Posts Tagged ‘cocoon’

Home from Limbo Land

Saturday, October 13th, 2007

I’m grateful for my life today.


A life that is generally uncomplicated but that does not let me get so complacent as to forget that things can take a turn when I least expect it, especially and most certainly if I exist complaining, judging, comparing or feeling entitled.


My exercise in humility, or hospital stay, is now done and because there were other unexpected surprises inside the body I inhabit, it was none too soon.  Since I am accustomed to being the steward of my own body, it was a conscious effort to surrender to the hands of others, to allow myself to feel and be vulnerable and let life teach me the lesson I must be needing a reminder of. That is the way it has always been for me, if I get too conceited or smug about anything, there is always something to happen that puts me back in my place, my “place” being one in the same with all others. Equally as vulnerable, equally as human and equally as dependent.  I am reminded that we are our “brother’s keeper”.  It doesn’t matter how much money one has, when it comes to circumstances of the body you just can’t really predict what cards you will be dealt and my pain is no more or no less than the “poorest” person or the “richest” person and from my point of view, we all have the right to health care.


I am reasonably certain that there are few lessons in humility quite as unparalleled as one where complete strangers poke and prod, examine and talk about your private parts. Where doctors, nurses, attendants, interns, and assistants all see your god given stuff without the benefit of a playboy layout ie, in the natural light of day and the unnatural glare of fluorescence, with no makeup, or even cute panties to be vain about. Waking up to find you have been stuffed like a turkey, padded and swaddled like a cocoon is just

so-oh-well, mildly disconcerting and relieving at the same time. Strangers have and did take care of me.


So, again, today, I am humble and grateful and recognize and relearn that I am one person connected to many others. I had a black nurse, a brown nurse, an asian nurse, a young man nurse, several Caucasian nurses, a female doctor, a Latino anesthesiologist, and I am profoundly aware that I am not separate from any of them, we are all part of humanity and we don’t only exist in one country.


When I felt the intense grip of fear well up as they rolled me from my waiting room through the brightly lit hallways after months of deliberation and anticipation, and I thought of Tom Cruise as David Ames (yep I did) singing out in the movie “Vanilla Sky”; “what if god were one of us, just a slob like one of us…” I thought to myself before the fear tears could come, he/she IS one of us and I made the decision that I would put my attention on those serving me. In doing this, I felt my fear disappear, in joking with my caretakers, focusing on something about them, allowing them to shine and so, allowing myself to be nothing and everything I became an integral part of the human experience, in this case a positive experience and now its over and I am home in my bed with the puffy pillows that comfort my weary head and this morning I am allowing  my hub to take care of me, (eek he is about to make breakfast, and I am going to love it, no matter how it turns out ;D).


There is something else I keep thinking of, a dream I had well over a year ago.  In the dream I was taking care of a little girl.  We were in a public bathroom like setting and I was about to help the little girl get dressed for something when a person entered the room and was trying to get at the little girl and I fought him off like a tiger till he was gone. I proceeded to ready the little girl (maybe seven years old) for something, I put a princess like dress on her, pampered and primped and sat her on a chair in front of a dressing table and brushed her hair gently and spoke to her with kind words and said to the girl as I pointed to the mirror, “see, look how beautiful you are,” and when she looked in the mirror I saw that the little girl was myself.  And I guess that the dream was a reminder to be kind to myself just as I would be to someone else.


Ooh I best quit writing, my pain pill is starting to take effect!!


Thanks to friends who sent well wishes, thanks for caring about me.



Thursday, September 6th, 2007

I am working on art slowly. Trying to be mindful and live in the moment. Recognizing and changing my compulsive thinking in the wake of my brother’s death, requires careful effort and patience. I wish I had been a better sister.

I am also cleaning my work areas and home to further assist myself with clarity. Clutter not only literally hampers my creativity it nurtures a foggy mind and repetitive thinking and well, I can’t find stuff. A clear indicator of having too much clutter is when I purchase supplies I already have.

I was interested to see these works on flickr by a person also utilizing the theme/idea of cocoons, I like the three d work best.

While the theme is the same, my vision is different and since every thing is derivative especially cocoons, which I probably would not have done had they not logically followed the caterpillher paintings, I will continue to work out my ideas of cocoons. I have worked this way for a long time, that is, I use the exercise of theme and variation and the last piece I make informs the current piece, ie, I (almost) always take something from the last work. Rather than focus on the cocoon itself I want to keep in mind the meaning of cocoon; metamorphosis, change, transition, evolution, incubation, development, concealment, containment. Part of changing is weeding through, weening out, leaving behind, shedding.

This Weekend

Friday, August 31st, 2007

I’ll be going out of town this weekend. In an attempt to avoid some of the labor day traffic I will leave at noon tomorrow and return home Sunday, I have no interest in flying, giving the confusion and congestion that will exist at the airport.  Going to spend some time with girlfriends.

I’ve seen that some artists are now hand making their business cards like miniature works of art. I would like to have plenty of blanks to take with me everywhere and work on them when I find myself having to wait somewhere for some reason, even if its just hand drawing.  I think people would be more inclined to keep a business card on their fridge if its an original work of art, although having business card blanks in addition to needing a purse and a camera and a journal for jotting down ideas and sketches, is probably just one more thing too much.

I’m interested in pursuing the cocooning idea further, some manner of three dimension. I was trying to envision felt for a cocoon, but not sure that I want to dabble into yet another media. Perhaps papier mache wrapped with something fibery like eyelash yarn and then smoothed out with resin to give a shiney veneer. Maybe. Would want to put little figures inside, so the cocoon would have to be openable or else the cocoon would have to be one with the figure. hmm, that may be the way to go, thinking out loud here. I would like to make them in two sizes, some doll size and some ornament size, yes I think I will do both.

A little bit of a tangent; here is Bjork singing cocoon, the guy caressing the head of the other guy has a microphone in his hand which creates subtle sound effects.

I really don’t understand how I got yellow oil paint all over my foot. Luckily it isn’t on the bottom of my foot where I might have tracked it through the house.

I’m very tired but unable to sleep.

My brother’s death is in my pores.